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Dublin: 14 °C Monday 1 September, 2014

The Departures Lounge: your daily lunchtime transfer round-up

Find out who Chelsea will look to sign if they fail to get Modric, which club have bid £8m for Shane Long and what South Korean officials are using lie detector tests for.

Keane may be on his way to Blackburn
Keane may be on his way to Blackburn

CHELSEA WILL CONFIRM many people’s suspicions that they have had no idea what they’re doing for years by re-signing Scott Parker after they casually sold him away to Newcastle way back when.

However, André Villas-Boas’ side’s hopes of signing Luka Modric have taken a blow with Tottenham rejecting a second bid for the player – something tells me this could turn into a saga of Fabregas-esque proportions.

If Tottenham continue to be so stubborn, Chelsea will have to begrudgingly settle for Kaka.

Oh well, there was a time not so long ago when Dennis Wise was their best player, so they should be grateful that things have improved somewhat.

Speaking of greedy clubs, Man City already have two very capable goalkeepers in their team and now they want a third, as they pursue Craig Gordon, along with Celtic.

Shane Long remains in transfer limbo, with rumours of an £8m bid from West Brom on the horizon, but he may opt for Wolves, Everton or Newcastle instead.

Only one things certain though – The Sun will continue to produce horrific puns based on his name so long as the rumours continue.

Yes puns are terrible, aren’t they?

In other news, Tottenham have a certain striker called Jermain who will defo be leaving this season.

The club are interested in a swap deal, with Christopher Samba moving in the opposite direction, as they look to build a team of giants to bully poor little Luka Modric into fearful passivity.

In a confusing turn of events relating to the two aforementioned clubs, Steve Kean is apparently keen on Robbie Keane.

Keane’s former club Liverpool will tempt Aston Villa with a bid of £18.5m for Stewart Downing – who I have nothing remotely interesting to say about and consequently, I wish he’d bloody well leave already.

Finally, South Korean officials have come up with an ingenious solution to stamp out match fixing from the game – lie-detector tests. I kid you not.

Read more: Tevez “close” to £40m Brazilian return, says Joorabchian>

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