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Dublin: 12 °C Thursday 18 December, 2014

The Departures Lounge: your daily lunchtime transfer round-up

Find out about United’s latest signing and how much Phil Neville’s house costs.

Sturridge may be set for a move to Stoke.
Sturridge may be set for a move to Stoke.

FIRST OFF, WE’LL break from tradition with news of an actual signing confirmed – Spanish under-21 goalkeeper and apparent heart-throb David de Gea has officially signed on the dotted line for United.

Alex Ferguson will surely be hoping he doesn’t have another David Beckham-style prima donna on his hands.

Barcelona will apparently attempt to sign Nani if their bid for Udinese’s Alexis Sanchez fails. Quite why the irrepressible Barcelona would need to sign any player – especially one as erratic as the Portuguese winger – is beyond me.

In addition, the European champions will continue their policy of raiding Arsenal every few seasons (as they did with Overmars, Petit, Henry et al) by signing Samir Nasri in addition to that other Spanish superstar who need not be mentioned, owing to his constant appearances in this round-up.

Arsenal will abandon their policy of having perpetually useless players at the back by signing Gary Cahill and Chris Samba. Arsene ‘if-you-can’t-beat-em join-em’ Wenger may soon be regretting all those derogatory remarks about Bolton and Blackburn players. Gervihno is also within their sights.

Neymar said a few weeks back that it was his dream to play club football in Spain. So, naturally, he now looks set for a move to either Chelsea or Man City.

Stoke will be asked to pay £20million for Chelsea’s Daniel ‘my Dad was on Dream Team’ Sturridge, in conjunction with the rule that any young, vaguely promising British player must be worth at least £20million.

In other Chelsea news, habitual whiner Didier Drogba may be off, with Marseille interested in availing of his services.

Steven ‘anything I say has no credibilty whatsoever since I compared Joe Cole to Lionel Messi’ Gerrard has said Liverpool are in with a chance of winning the title next year.

Finally, Phil Neville is reportedly selling his house for £3.75million. The very fact that Phil ‘most-average-footballer-in-the-world’ Neville has a house worth £3.75million is enough to make me weep for civilisation.

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