It is your first day as an RTE football pundit, how do you make an impression?
INPHO/Morgan Treacy
You are so relaxed, once or twice you almost dose off but you deliver everything with a lackadaisical composure that leaves everyone hypnotised.
You say "superstar player X wouldn't make the Home Farm reserves" before making a joke about your own average football career. However, you then mention how many international caps you received, followed by a smirk.
You give absolutely nothing away early on, just like in your playing days. Innocent questions are met with iron stares, followed by terse and short responses.
You have one word written on your piece of paper: INTERRUPT! You do this early, and you do it often.
What is your standard attire when on-air?
INPHO/Donall Farmer
You are a suit and tie traditionalist. Your punditry suit is the same as your birthday suit, which is the same as your wedding anniversary suit.
Scott Heppell/AP/Press Association Images
You go for the open collar look because your neck, just like your trailblazing opinions, cannot be contained.
Youtube: David Berryman
You wear a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, a bola tie and a gun belt holding plastic revolvers you bought at Smyths.
INPHO/James Crombie
You wear a suit with no tie and your top button is done. Ties are for squares and you want to tap into the hipster demographic.
After a promising start you are quickly assigned to the B-panel. How do you react?
INPHO/Morgan Treacy
You follow the editor to their car and unleash an expletive-laden tirade that is punctuated by "I'm more A-Team than Mr T, baby!"
You bide your time, and slip an extremely controversial opinion into each broadcast to get your name trending on Twitter.
You get on with it. You don't whine or complain, but you do make a note to cripple the editor with a leg-breaking tackle at the next company football match.
You sulk and pout on air, lamenting the fact that your obvious genius is going unrecognised by your superiors.
You are caught swearing on air. Which apology do you give?
Steve Mitchell/EMPICS Sport
"My only regret is that these w**kers cut off my mic before I could tell you abou_________"
David Davies/PA Archive/Press Association Images
"I am sorry. In fact, I am really f**king sorry."
Joel Page/AP/Press Association Images
"I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Sure, it worked for your man."
"I wouldn't necessarily agree with me swearing on air."
You are analysing a match where a formerly great player is drastically under-performing. How do you describe him?
Peter Robinson/EMPICS Sport
"Do you know where Superstar X belongs? In a dustbin." *slam fist on table*
"He isn't up to this level anymore, Darragh. There is no honesty of effort out there."
"Everyone is getting too wound up over this. I played against this guy at u18's back in '97. He was a star then and he is a star now." *Closes eyes as if asleep*
*Raise eyebrows* "What he is doing out there tonight is a major show of disrespect to the game." *lower eyebrows*
You are joined on the panel by a football legend from abroad. How do you treat him?
INPHO/Donall Farmer
You browbeat him until he snaps, and then you claim his footballing credentials are only marginally more impressive than your own.
INPHO/Lorraine O\'Sullivan
You treat him like an idiot. You are the elder statesman of the panel and no matter how many medals Johnny Foreigner has, he will respect protocol.
INPHO/Cathal Noonan
You become aggressively insecure and lambaste him after any comment, no matter how innocuous. At the end of the night, you cancel his taxi from a nearby phone box.
Given how slick the former legend is, you treat him as a kindred spirit and at the end of the show you both go out and divide and conquer a pair of Brazilian twins.
You are slagged in an Apres Match sketch just as the camera cuts to you. How do you react?
INPHO/Dan Sheridan
"THAT DIDN'T SOUND ANYTHING F**KING LIKE ME!"
You pretend to enjoy it but deep down you are simmering with rage as your reputation as a footballing philosopher is ruined.
"What's Apres Match?"
You laugh once, loudly and angrily, and then demand a camera cuts to you. You point into it and say, "You guys won't be laughing when you're eating your Sunday dinner with no teeth."
Darragh Maloney quotes a load of stats from a Guardian football writer. How do you respond?
Martin Rickett/PA Archive/Press Association Images
"You can quote stats until you are blue in the face Darragh, but you need to go out and deliver."
Scott Heppell/AP/Press Association Images
"That article was written by a creep who left his wife for a young one."
Richard Sellers/EMPICS Sport
You lie and say you read the piece and then list broadsheet newspapers until the commercial break.
Nick Potts/PA Wire/Press Association Images
You barrel through three pages worth of stats that you had researched, to show the audience how prepared you are.
You go out for a post-show drink. What are you having?
INPHO/James Crombie
Lots of Bacardi and lots of Coke.
Pint of Heineken.
A healthy measure of vodka with a splash of mixer.
Whatever's going.
What is your legacy as a pundit?
Martin Rickett/PA Wire/Press Association Images
You are the analyst of the future. You are cool. You are The Special Pundit.
Anthony Devlin/PA Archive/Press Association Images
You were brash, you were bold and you were box-office baby!
Chase Rollins/AFF/EMPICS Entertainment
You were a pundit, but just as much, you were a massive pair of pulsating eyebrows.
Andrew Matthews/EMPICS Sport
You were an honest footballing man who tried to educate viewers.
INPHO/Cathal Noonan
You scored out of !
Eamon Dunphy
You're a maverick, renegade, lone wolf with combustible opinions but most importantly, you've managed to stay alive for 69 years baby!
INPHO/James Crombie
You scored out of !
Kenny Cunningham
You know Dunphy is coming to the end of his punditry career and you cannot wait to seamlessly slip into a career of controversy. The only things more radical than your opinions, are your extremely demonstrative eyebrows.
INPHO/Morgan Treacy
You scored out of !
John Giles
You are teak tough and don't suffer fools gladly. For you, honesty of effort and taking games on their merits are two fundamentals of football. You have unmatched gravitas and you command respect, like a footballing Don Corleone.
INPHO/James Crombie
You scored out of !
Richie Sadlier
You are cooler than Pep Guardiola and Jose Mourinho's hypothetical love child. Unusually, your football offerings are rooted in reality. But most importantly, you are making bald cool.
