HEARTBREAKINGLY, THERE IS no football on in either Poland or Ukraine tonight, but we carry on regardless.
10.58 – Good morning and welcome to our daily Euro 2012 liveblog.
Just to avoid running foul of the trade descriptions act we are doing our best to make one thing clear: THERE IS NO FOOTBALL ON TONIGHT.
Sad, I know.
But we’re here to make sure that you come down from your daily dose of two games a day safely. So you won’t be a quivering wreck when Portugal v Czech Republic arrives on screen.
11.06 – The old ‘riot police clash with Irish fans with plastic hammer’ is getting to be a favourite staple of Ireland’s latter days in Poland.
This one, though, is a friend of (soon-to-be) Olympic 400m competitor David Gillick. So he makes the cut.
11.13 – Now, as the good people in the host nations just begin to stir, it’s time you caught up with the main stories doing the rounds.
Miguel Delaney has stood back from Ireland’s three games and given his rating for each player, they don’t add up to much.
Wesley Sneijder is paranoid and blames a mole (not the animal) for the Netherlands’ Euro exit.
Andriy Shevchenko has retired from international football, Michel Platini wants an all-Adida.. whoops, I meant a Spain v Germany final.
But to smooth over your insatiable lust for goals; here’s a reminder of what happened over the past 13 days.
12.25 – Wow, Sepp Blatter has had an astonishing change of heart. Guess he reallly dislikes England.
*GLT is goal-line technology for those of you who are not ITK and super cool like uncle Sepp.
13.01 – Pfff. Hollywood.
They’re all just scared of making original movies… but this one looks class!
13.42 – Our Polkraine correspondent, Miguel Delaney, isn’t heading home just yet.
He’s holding on to the bitter end, so here is is halfway report.
It features his controversial take on the goal of the tournament (I’d have gone for Błaszczykowski’s thumping effort myself) , a best XI and the intriguing best XI of players who’ve been knocked out.
13.52 – This just popped up on our Twitter feed and it’s magic.
An irate -yet hoity toity – England fan called in to 606 last night to complain about how Roy Hodgson’s England just don’t make him go week at the knees.
Some aural highlights include: ‘I was so boredI made about three cups of coffee… and I didn’t miss anything.’
And, rather fantastically: ’They need to up the tempo to allegro.’
Not your average ‘free lines on my shirt’ St George’s flag waving, Sun-reading England fan.
15.17 – Hmm, been a while since our last update.
Let’s see, I could you bring you news of Florent Malouda and his self-proclaimed experience.
Nah, instead here’s the European Championship’s answer to the lovely girls competition.
YouTube credit: iBodyaMartovskyi
15.25 – Can’t help but feel that this stat would be much much lower if Giovanni Trapattoni’s tactical masterplan had actually worked.
15.58 – What with all the hoo ha, we made the mistake of looking away from Manuela Spinelli’s Twitter account last week.
Here’s a little gem we passed over.
I could insert a Titanic joke about Ireland’s group C campaign, but it’s probably too soon.
16.49 – The very latest (and possibly greatest) chant that Irish fans have come up with in Poland is derived from the one Irish phrase that is indelibly printed on each of us.
17.11 – Well, that’s it for another daily Euro 2012 liveblog. hope you enjoyed all the tantalising tid-bits.
We’re off home to flick endlessly through the channels: desperately hoping that somehow, somewhere we’ll find some live (or repeated, we’re not fussy) football.
Wish me luck.