Are we all present and accounted for, or do I need to go all primary school on you and do a roll call?

Welcome to the second of this week’s Champions League liveblogs. After the drama and controversy of last night’s games, I can only hope that Adrian left some goals or something for me to preside over this evening.

Our main focus will be on the Stade Velodrome where Olympique Marseille welcome Arsene Wenger’s Arsenal. But we’ll have plenty of updates from Chelsea v Genk and all of the other games as the action unfolds.

First things first, here are the teams from the Stade Velodrome.

Marseille: Mandanda, Azpilicueta, Diawara, N’Koulou, Morel, Diarra, Gonzalez, Cheyrou, Valbuena, Remy, Andre Ayew.

Arsenal: Szczesny, Jenkinson, Mertesacker, Koscielny, Andre Santos, Song, Arteta, Walcott, Rosicky, Arshavin, van Persie.

And in the interests of parity, here’s how they’ll be lining out at Stamford Bridge.

Chelsea: Cech, Bosingwa, Ivanovic, Luiz, Cole, Romeu, Lampard, Meireles, Anelka, Torres, Malouda.

Genk: Koteles, Ngcongca, Masuero, Tozser, Pudil, Buffel, Vanden Borre, Hyland, De Bruyne, Vossen, Barda.

I suppose I should at least hazard a guess as to how these games will go. A score draw for Arsenal in France and Chelsea by two or three.

What do you think?

Thanks for stopping by Nigel. I’ll bring my A game, I promise.

So we’re off and running in France and in London.

Marseille boss and all-round nice guy Didier Deschamps has been linked with plenty of high-profile gigs in the last 18 months. Would you fancy him at your club, whoever that may be?

My spies with one Irish bookmaker have informed me that Leo Messi is just 1/7 to score at any time against Plzen tonight. 1/7? He’ll definitely score, but I wouldn’t like to be sticking down €70 to win an extra tenner.

An early chance in both games, although the one over at the Bridge is the more noteworthy — Fernando Torres hit the post for Chelsea. *insert own joke here*

Meanwhile, Marseille had the first shot in target in France but Mathieu Valbeuna’s 25-yard free-kick was straight at Szczesny.

GOAL! Chelsea 1-0 Genk (Meireles) Genk obviously don’t know much about Raul Meireles. The defence back off and give him time to shoot, so he drills one into the bottom corner.

Over in Greece, Jose Holebas has put Olympiakos one up. Olympiakos 1-0 Borussia Dortmund

GOAL! Chelsea 2-0 Genk (Torres) And just to spite me for mocking him, Torres follows up to make it 2-0, getting on the end of a Lampard slider to finish.

In the Camp Nou, Andres Iniesta has made it Barcelona 1-0 Plzen.

Arsenal can count themselves slightly fortunate there. The ball travelled a long way into the Gunners’ box before it struck the outstretched arm of Carl Jenkinson. Could the youngster have gotten his hand out of the way? I think so. I think so.

The excellently-named Hulk has given Porto the lead against Apoel. Porto 1-0 Apoel Nicosia.

Be careful what you wish for, especially if wishing for goals while on liveblog duty. da Silva has given Shakhtar the lead at home to Zenit. Shakhtar 1-0 Zenit

And in Portugal, Ailton has made it Porto 1-1 Apoel Nicosia. That lead didn’t last long, about five or six minutes by my watch.

What’s going on in the Velodrome, I hear you ask.

Typically, I am watching one of only three games that hasn’t had a goal yet. Arsenal have started to take control in the last five minutes or so. Robin van Persie has come closest to opening the scoring; he had a header cleared off the line. But the TV replays have just shown that the ball came off a Marseille hand in the build-up and it possibly could have been a penalty. That’s one at either end that the referee has waved away in the opening 25 minutes.

Jonas has given Valencia the lead on the road in Leverkusen. “A simple tap-in from the edge of the six-yard box,” the man at the other end of my earpiece says. I hope he’s right, otherwise I’m going to look very foolish indeed. Leverkusen 0-1 Valencia

GOAL! Chelsea 3-0 Genk (Torres) Waiting for a Fernando Torres goal is like waiting for the bus etc etc… he’s got his second of the evening with a header. I’m going to see if I can find some clips of these mythical goals for you, I’m still not sure I believe it.

Here’s Meireles’ goal. Make sure you hit the auld refresh button there if it’s not embedding properly for you.

And here’s Torres’ first. Nice ball from Lampard and a good finish.

We’re off to Greece where there’s been another goal. It’s Lewandowski who has drawn Borussia level; Olympiakos 1-1 Borussia Dortmund.

And everybody’s favourite giant Swede, Zlaaaaaaaaaaaaatan Ibrahimovic has given AC Milan the lead against BATE in the San Siro. What a player. AC Milan 1-0 BATE

It’s Shakhtar 1-1 Zenit in Donetsk as well, Shirokov with the goal. The Guardian’s Jonathan Wilson is watching; “breathless” is his adjective of choice to describe the action.

I have no reason to doubt this man’s version of events. Thank you, Preben.

On the balance of it, the better chances in France have fallen to Marseille. But as I type, a half-chance for RVP as Mandanda’s punch falls to him eight yards out but he can’t twist his body enough to direct his shot on target.

GOAL! Chelsea 4-0 Genk (Ivanovic) The rout at the Bridge continues, Ivanovic with the header from Malouda’s free.

And Olympiakos are back in front again. Rafik Djebbour with goal three minutes before half-time. Olympiakos 2-1 Borussia Dortmund

Oh wow, criminal levels of idiocy from Arsenal’s Andre Santos there. He’s already on a yellow card, but nonetheless decides to mindlessly stick his hand out and knock the ball away. It’s a free-kick but our match referee — Mr Skomina — decides that it’s not a booking for some reason. Lucky boy.

Alrighty, we made it as far as half-time. Here are the scores from around the grounds:

• AC Milan 1-0 BATE Borisov
• Barcelona 1-0 Viktoria Plzen
• Bayer Leverkusen 0-1 Valencia
• Chelsea 4-0 Genk
• FC Porto 1-1 Apoel Nicosia
• Marseille 0-0 Arsenal
• Olympiakos 2-1 Borussia Dortmund
• Shakhtar Donetsk 2-1 Zenit St Petersburg

You may have noticed that its now Shakhtar 2-1 Zenit in Donetsk. That’s because Luis Adriano scored for the hosts on the stroke of half-time.

I’m off to make a cup of tea and find some video clips of the best first-half highlights. Back in a sec.

Torres’ second goal? If you insist.

I think I understand why this is witty, but I couldn’t swear by it. When I grow up, I want to be smart like Henry Winter.

We’re back underway everywhere. And yes, I’m still watching the only scoreless game out of the eight.

A goal, a goal, a goal — not in the Velodrome, obviously. It’s that man André Schurrle for Bayer Leverkusen and somehow they’ve managed to get themselves back on level terms. Valencia will be raging that they didn’t take a couple of those first-half chances. Bayer Leverkusen 1-1 Valencia

I’m starting to get a little bit bored of this Arsenal-Marseille game. Instead, here’s Iniesta’s goal that put Barca 1-0 up against Plzen.

Ridiculous.

What the what? It’s Leverkusen 2-1 Valencia, all thanks to Sidney Sam. I don’t know a huge amount about the scorer but I have to presume that he’s this guy’s father.

It’s funny because one of them is called Sidney Sam and the other is called Sidney Samson.

Henry Winter, eat your heart out.

Zenit have equalised. Over to Jonathan Wilson:

Back to the Velodrome for just long enough to tell you that Theo Walcott has squandered a great opportunity to put the visitors in front, tamely passing his shot at Mandanda after he found himself one-on-one with the Marseille keeper.

He’s swiftly replaced by the man with the greatest forehead in all of football: Gervinho.

Gol de Milano. Kevin Prince Boateng doubles AC’s advantage and that should be that. I wonder if there’s an Italian equivalent of the hilariously childish “Milan master BATE” headline that I’ve been waiting all night to recycle. AC Milan 2-0 BATE

GOAL! Chelsea 5-0 Genk (Kalou) I think this now officially qualifies as a rout. Torres’ shot is palmed straight back into Kalou’s path and he says please and thank you before tucking it away.

20 goals tonight and not one of them in France. Enough said.

As I’ve been watching the Arsenal game tonight (I may have mentioned that), I feel obliged to make one or two observations. Here you go:

The referee has been absolutely appalling; Arsene Wenger needs a new left-full to replace Andre Santos; Andre-Pierre Gignac has lost an awful lot of weight since the last time I saw him play (which, admittedly, wouldn’t be hard).

Will that do? There’s really not a lot else to say.

Goals goals goals. Olympiakos wrap up all three points at home to Dortmund, Modesto making it Olympiakos 3-1 Dortmund with just over 10 minutes to play.

And for Barcelona, it’s… not Lionel Messi. It’s David Villa. Barcelona 2-0 Plzen.

Wow, I’d really hate to be waiting for Messi to score in order to collect at 1/7. I hope none of you included him as a little booster in your accumulator.

Another goal? Fine, here’s KPB’s for AC Milan. It’s quite good, I think you’ll agree.

As always, our thanks to the lads over at 101greatgoals for the clips.

90 seconds plus injury time to play in France; presumably the same amount left elsewhere as well. So where will the late drama be? That’s the question.

Oooh, there was the chance. Gervinho slips a neat little through ball into RVP’s path. He takes one touch and decides to go to the near post rather than across Mandanda’s goal, which proves to be the wrong decision as the keeper turns it around the post with his knee.

GOAL! Marseille 0-1 Arsenal (Ramsey) Well, whaddya know? I told you there’d be late drama and after 92 minutes of mind-numbing tedium, substitute Aaron Ramsey finds himself in acres of space at the far post and he rifles past a helpless Mandanda.

It’s like they say: “One-nil to the Arsenal”.

And that, I do believe, is that as the final whistles ring out around Europe.

Well, well, well. Arsenal. Talk about leaving it late.

Here’s how things look in Group E after tonight’s action.

And here’s Group F. That goal sure was a big ‘un for the Arsenal.

That’s all I’ve got for you. Your next liveblog fix will be with you tomorrow night when the legend that is Mr Paul Fennessy is in the hotseat for PAOK v Shamrock Rovers and the rest of the comparatively insignificant Europa League action.

See you all then.