NO MATTER WHERE you line out, there’s always the same players in any five-a-side game, right?
1. The Organiser
This guy runs up his O2 bill during the week sending dozens of texts and double checking that the pitch is booked. He also brings the bibs, collects the money and brings you to hospital if you go over on your ankle again. Often not one of the best players on the pitch. I’ll put my hand up for this one.
John Motson: talks a good game. Mike Egerton/EMPICS Sport
Advertisement
2. The Commentator
If you studied this guys Opta Stats he might have some questions to address. He won’t be the one tracking back the most or getting in the most tackles… but he’s number one when it comes to talking. ‘Mind your house’, ‘Up the wing’, ‘two-touches!’ ‘handball’ — you might as well be playing astroturf with John Motson.
3. The Pointer
Let me introduce this interesting chap. Though his AUL medals are perhaps now slightly tainted by the years, he’s still got it ‘upstairs’. His USP is ‘the point’. You’ll find him in and around the centre-circle, pointing to where he wants the ball — usually on his toe — like the constipated police woman in the Gaviscon ad.
Every team needs one.
4. The New Guy
We’ve all been there. It’s 6.30pm, someone pulls out because of illness (it’s raining and there’s Champions League on) so you’re down a man. Someone brings an unknown quantity along to make up the numbers. He immediately picks up the ball from the tip-off, puts it through your planted feet and smashes it into the hoodie in which you planked your watch, car keys and wallet in the back of the net.
5. The Other New Guy
It’s the Tuesday after a long weekend and bodies are thin on the ground. This time you’re joined in the bibs with someone who’s a friend of someone else. From the kick-off you pass to him, he takes a first touch that’s heavier than a black hole and then hops the ball off the bonnet of your car — via your nose.
6. The Derek Zoolander
We’ve all seen Ben Stiller’s movie Zoolander, right? It’s the tale of a dim-witted but good natured male model. Incidentally, he can’t turn left. Like many of us on the five-a-side pitch.
7. The Specialist
When asked for suggestions, one astro veteran on TheScore.ie sportsdesk immediately offered: ‘the bloke who would be no use in 11-a-side but knows a the little tricks like one-twos off the wall and has mastered the art of 5-a-side football. Megs!
8. The Hacker
He may not win the game… but you’re going home knowing you played on the same pitch as him tonight. Often wears a Saw Doctors T-shirt paired with O’Neill’s shorts and working shoes an old house-mate left behind when he emigrated to Western Australia. Nothing fancy but very effective.
The Roy Keane.
Someone who hasn’t grasped the idea that 5 aside football is normally just for a bit of craic with mates midweek and there are no medals handed out at the end but plays and shouts like it’s the champions league final and is still fuming and talking about it 3 days later.
The Gaelic Footballer.
Doesn’t get the idea of a one-two, thinks short passing is a waste of time and likes belting the ball as hard as he can up the other end of the pitch. Never lets you out of the corner; in fact runs full belt at you and tries to kill you. Loves to drop the shoulder, especially when challenging for the ball near the side wall. Short shorts, big arse, hugely enthusiastic, often whoops, but never gets asked back again.
The better brother of a guy who made it professionaly. The only reason this guy didn’t was because of the drink. ‘Could have played with Celtic’. Slaughters you for 10 minutes then has a coronary for 50 minutes.
The Pro….
Struts onto the turf with the newest gear out, under armour and hairband, first touch of a donkey but counts every goal scored week in week out (I’ve 30 goals in astro this season) and to top it off asks around after the game does anybody know of a good physio cuz he’s feeling a bit tight in the groin….
Eh, what’s up with the dates on people’s comments – they’re all over the shop!?
The sub…
Usually one of the lads sons who come along to get him outta the house so the mother can catch up on Corrie. He’s probably around 12-14 years old. He’ll go in goals so “no hard shots lads, sure he’s only a chap!’ Which is a distinct advantage. He’ll turn out to be amazing and no matter how hard you hit it, he’ll dive full length, collecting the ball in mid flight, a few somersaults and rolls and he’s off up the pitch, nutmegging and steps overs to bate tha band before sticking it in the top corner. As he walks back up the pitch, he’s given a little reminder of what age group of lads he’s actually playing with and someone decides to ‘soften his cough’ by ‘puttin a pup in him’ which ultimately results in a screaming kid rolling around all ‘ronaldo-esque’ with a shoving match between his dad and the offending individual. But all is settled with a few pints in the local with the young lad sippin a lemonade and chompin on a packet o’ Tatyo texting his mates with indecipherable gobbledegook about the dinosaurs he’s destroyed earlier….!
The Heart – possesses all the drive, will and spirit a manager could ever ask of a player. Shows up every week and runs himself into the ground but ultimately has two left shins
The had trials ……
The muppet who was been chased by utd and Liverpool as a kid but wanted to do his leaving first! Turns out to be crap and then blames pitch,ball,lighting,his team,his footwear,drink from last night,injury……..
Forgot the dreaded “toy boy”. Shows up in the full Real Madrid kit with sparkling new green Astro boots wearing a head bank and gold cross around his neck. Cries off injured after 5 mins as everyone realises he’s awful.
For whatever reason somebody has pulled out due to “work”, always the same person, and the only replacement is another players son or nephew. The next 60 minutes involve getting nutmegged repeatedly and chasing his shadow.
The Rainman – really sweaty guy, with wet marks on chest, armpits, groin after 20secs of play. Spray of water in his wake and if you make any contact with, you may actually drown. Drinks out of everyone’s bottles and is a consistent back washer!! In a nutshell, wet!!
Nothing else happened except my goal… You’ve hammered him 17 3 but he’s scored a good goal… Maybe the best goal of the game but he’s otherwise been abysmal…. He ruffles your keepers head as you leave and tells him… Ha you won’t forget that one in a hurry…. You meet him in a boozer five nights later and he makes you lose the will to live jabbering on about it
“he takes a first touch that’s heavier than a black hole” – you my friend need to get a script writing role for Jim Beglin! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKw3EO3xpQc (1.22, in the best video ever produced by RTE)
The sweaty guy. Starts pumpin after 5 mins. Or the football cogs guy. Catches ure ankle with a stud and just says ‘oh sorry, you alrite ?’ As he jogs on.
Leinster football semi-finals moved out of Croke Park for first time in 30 years
46 mins ago
1
As it happened
Kerry v Mayo, GAA Division 1 football league final
30 Mar
18
Sign in or create a free account
To continue reading create a free account
Or sign into an existing account
Your Cookies. Your Choice.
Cookies help provide our news service while also enabling the advertising needed to fund this work.
We categorise cookies as Necessary, Performance (used to analyse the site performance) and Targeting (used to target advertising which helps us keep this service free).
We and our 161 partners store and access personal data, like browsing data or unique identifiers, on your device. Selecting Accept All enables tracking technologies to support the purposes shown under we and our partners process data to provide. If trackers are disabled, some content and ads you see may not be as relevant to you. You can resurface this menu to change your choices or withdraw consent at any time by clicking the Cookie Preferences link on the bottom of the webpage .Your choices will have effect within our Website. For more details, refer to our Privacy Policy.Privacy Policy
We and our vendors process data for the following purposes:
Use precise geolocation data. Actively scan device characteristics for identification. Store and/or access information on a device. Personalised advertising and content, advertising and content measurement, audience research and services development.
Cookies Preference Centre
We process your data to deliver content or advertisements and measure the delivery of such content or advertisements to extract insights about our website. We share this information with our partners on the basis of consent. You may exercise your right to consent, based on a specific purpose below or at a partner level in the link under each purpose. Some vendors may process your data based on their legitimate interests, which does not require your consent. You cannot object to tracking technologies placed to ensure security, prevent fraud, fix errors, or deliver and present advertising and content, and precise geolocation data and active scanning of device characteristics for identification may be used to support this purpose. This exception does not apply to targeted advertising. These choices will be signaled to our vendors participating in the Transparency and Consent Framework.
Manage Consent Preferences
Necessary Cookies
Always Active
These cookies are necessary for the website to function and cannot be switched off in our systems. They are usually only set in response to actions made by you which amount to a request for services, such as setting your privacy preferences, logging in or filling in forms. You can set your browser to block or alert you about these cookies, but some parts of the site will not then work.
Targeting Cookies
These cookies may be set through our site by our advertising partners. They may be used by those companies to build a profile of your interests and show you relevant adverts on other sites. They do not store directly personal information, but are based on uniquely identifying your browser and internet device. If you do not allow these cookies, you will experience less targeted advertising.
Functional Cookies
These cookies enable the website to provide enhanced functionality and personalisation. They may be set by us or by third party providers whose services we have added to our pages. If you do not allow these cookies then these services may not function properly.
Performance Cookies
These cookies allow us to count visits and traffic sources so we can measure and improve the performance of our site. They help us to know which pages are the most and least popular and see how visitors move around the site. All information these cookies collect is aggregated and therefore anonymous. If you do not allow these cookies we will not be able to monitor our performance.
Store and/or access information on a device 110 partners can use this purpose
Cookies, device or similar online identifiers (e.g. login-based identifiers, randomly assigned identifiers, network based identifiers) together with other information (e.g. browser type and information, language, screen size, supported technologies etc.) can be stored or read on your device to recognise it each time it connects to an app or to a website, for one or several of the purposes presented here.
Personalised advertising and content, advertising and content measurement, audience research and services development 143 partners can use this purpose
Use limited data to select advertising 113 partners can use this purpose
Advertising presented to you on this service can be based on limited data, such as the website or app you are using, your non-precise location, your device type or which content you are (or have been) interacting with (for example, to limit the number of times an ad is presented to you).
Create profiles for personalised advertising 83 partners can use this purpose
Information about your activity on this service (such as forms you submit, content you look at) can be stored and combined with other information about you (for example, information from your previous activity on this service and other websites or apps) or similar users. This is then used to build or improve a profile about you (that might include possible interests and personal aspects). Your profile can be used (also later) to present advertising that appears more relevant based on your possible interests by this and other entities.
Use profiles to select personalised advertising 83 partners can use this purpose
Advertising presented to you on this service can be based on your advertising profiles, which can reflect your activity on this service or other websites or apps (like the forms you submit, content you look at), possible interests and personal aspects.
Create profiles to personalise content 39 partners can use this purpose
Information about your activity on this service (for instance, forms you submit, non-advertising content you look at) can be stored and combined with other information about you (such as your previous activity on this service or other websites or apps) or similar users. This is then used to build or improve a profile about you (which might for example include possible interests and personal aspects). Your profile can be used (also later) to present content that appears more relevant based on your possible interests, such as by adapting the order in which content is shown to you, so that it is even easier for you to find content that matches your interests.
Use profiles to select personalised content 35 partners can use this purpose
Content presented to you on this service can be based on your content personalisation profiles, which can reflect your activity on this or other services (for instance, the forms you submit, content you look at), possible interests and personal aspects. This can for example be used to adapt the order in which content is shown to you, so that it is even easier for you to find (non-advertising) content that matches your interests.
Measure advertising performance 134 partners can use this purpose
Information regarding which advertising is presented to you and how you interact with it can be used to determine how well an advert has worked for you or other users and whether the goals of the advertising were reached. For instance, whether you saw an ad, whether you clicked on it, whether it led you to buy a product or visit a website, etc. This is very helpful to understand the relevance of advertising campaigns.
Measure content performance 61 partners can use this purpose
Information regarding which content is presented to you and how you interact with it can be used to determine whether the (non-advertising) content e.g. reached its intended audience and matched your interests. For instance, whether you read an article, watch a video, listen to a podcast or look at a product description, how long you spent on this service and the web pages you visit etc. This is very helpful to understand the relevance of (non-advertising) content that is shown to you.
Understand audiences through statistics or combinations of data from different sources 74 partners can use this purpose
Reports can be generated based on the combination of data sets (like user profiles, statistics, market research, analytics data) regarding your interactions and those of other users with advertising or (non-advertising) content to identify common characteristics (for instance, to determine which target audiences are more receptive to an ad campaign or to certain contents).
Develop and improve services 83 partners can use this purpose
Information about your activity on this service, such as your interaction with ads or content, can be very helpful to improve products and services and to build new products and services based on user interactions, the type of audience, etc. This specific purpose does not include the development or improvement of user profiles and identifiers.
Use limited data to select content 37 partners can use this purpose
Content presented to you on this service can be based on limited data, such as the website or app you are using, your non-precise location, your device type, or which content you are (or have been) interacting with (for example, to limit the number of times a video or an article is presented to you).
Use precise geolocation data 46 partners can use this special feature
With your acceptance, your precise location (within a radius of less than 500 metres) may be used in support of the purposes explained in this notice.
Actively scan device characteristics for identification 27 partners can use this special feature
With your acceptance, certain characteristics specific to your device might be requested and used to distinguish it from other devices (such as the installed fonts or plugins, the resolution of your screen) in support of the purposes explained in this notice.
Ensure security, prevent and detect fraud, and fix errors 92 partners can use this special purpose
Always Active
Your data can be used to monitor for and prevent unusual and possibly fraudulent activity (for example, regarding advertising, ad clicks by bots), and ensure systems and processes work properly and securely. It can also be used to correct any problems you, the publisher or the advertiser may encounter in the delivery of content and ads and in your interaction with them.
Deliver and present advertising and content 99 partners can use this special purpose
Always Active
Certain information (like an IP address or device capabilities) is used to ensure the technical compatibility of the content or advertising, and to facilitate the transmission of the content or ad to your device.
Match and combine data from other data sources 72 partners can use this feature
Always Active
Information about your activity on this service may be matched and combined with other information relating to you and originating from various sources (for instance your activity on a separate online service, your use of a loyalty card in-store, or your answers to a survey), in support of the purposes explained in this notice.
Link different devices 53 partners can use this feature
Always Active
In support of the purposes explained in this notice, your device might be considered as likely linked to other devices that belong to you or your household (for instance because you are logged in to the same service on both your phone and your computer, or because you may use the same Internet connection on both devices).
Identify devices based on information transmitted automatically 88 partners can use this feature
Always Active
Your device might be distinguished from other devices based on information it automatically sends when accessing the Internet (for instance, the IP address of your Internet connection or the type of browser you are using) in support of the purposes exposed in this notice.
Save and communicate privacy choices 69 partners can use this special purpose
Always Active
The choices you make regarding the purposes and entities listed in this notice are saved and made available to those entities in the form of digital signals (such as a string of characters). This is necessary in order to enable both this service and those entities to respect such choices.
The Roy Keane.
Someone who hasn’t grasped the idea that 5 aside football is normally just for a bit of craic with mates midweek and there are no medals handed out at the end but plays and shouts like it’s the champions league final and is still fuming and talking about it 3 days later.
The Gaelic Footballer.
Doesn’t get the idea of a one-two, thinks short passing is a waste of time and likes belting the ball as hard as he can up the other end of the pitch. Never lets you out of the corner; in fact runs full belt at you and tries to kill you. Loves to drop the shoulder, especially when challenging for the ball near the side wall. Short shorts, big arse, hugely enthusiastic, often whoops, but never gets asked back again.
Classic
Also will never pass the ball backwards.
The better brother of a guy who made it professionaly. The only reason this guy didn’t was because of the drink. ‘Could have played with Celtic’. Slaughters you for 10 minutes then has a coronary for 50 minutes.
The Pro….
Struts onto the turf with the newest gear out, under armour and hairband, first touch of a donkey but counts every goal scored week in week out (I’ve 30 goals in astro this season) and to top it off asks around after the game does anybody know of a good physio cuz he’s feeling a bit tight in the groin….
Eh, what’s up with the dates on people’s comments – they’re all over the shop!?
The sub…
Usually one of the lads sons who come along to get him outta the house so the mother can catch up on Corrie. He’s probably around 12-14 years old. He’ll go in goals so “no hard shots lads, sure he’s only a chap!’ Which is a distinct advantage. He’ll turn out to be amazing and no matter how hard you hit it, he’ll dive full length, collecting the ball in mid flight, a few somersaults and rolls and he’s off up the pitch, nutmegging and steps overs to bate tha band before sticking it in the top corner. As he walks back up the pitch, he’s given a little reminder of what age group of lads he’s actually playing with and someone decides to ‘soften his cough’ by ‘puttin a pup in him’ which ultimately results in a screaming kid rolling around all ‘ronaldo-esque’ with a shoving match between his dad and the offending individual. But all is settled with a few pints in the local with the young lad sippin a lemonade and chompin on a packet o’ Tatyo texting his mates with indecipherable gobbledegook about the dinosaurs he’s destroyed earlier….!
The john terry… He’s around shagging your missus while your not at home
The peter bonetti…..The keeper who is like a cat in 5 a side goals… But gets caught out on the big pitch!
The Heart – possesses all the drive, will and spirit a manager could ever ask of a player. Shows up every week and runs himself into the ground but ultimately has two left shins
Also known as the Zinedine Kilbane. Which would make it 2 right shins.
The Deer
Happy out chasing fellas and the ball. Gets caught in the headlights upon receiving said ball
The Hub
This is the guy who believes that the only good pass is a pass to him – generally loud and persistent.
The had trials ……
The muppet who was been chased by utd and Liverpool as a kid but wanted to do his leaving first! Turns out to be crap and then blames pitch,ball,lighting,his team,his footwear,drink from last night,injury……..
He wouldve made it if it wasnt for the drink…….
Forgot the dreaded “toy boy”. Shows up in the full Real Madrid kit with sparkling new green Astro boots wearing a head bank and gold cross around his neck. Cries off injured after 5 mins as everyone realises he’s awful.
For whatever reason somebody has pulled out due to “work”, always the same person, and the only replacement is another players son or nephew. The next 60 minutes involve getting nutmegged repeatedly and chasing his shadow.
The Rainman – really sweaty guy, with wet marks on chest, armpits, groin after 20secs of play. Spray of water in his wake and if you make any contact with, you may actually drown. Drinks out of everyone’s bottles and is a consistent back washer!! In a nutshell, wet!!
Nothing else happened except my goal… You’ve hammered him 17 3 but he’s scored a good goal… Maybe the best goal of the game but he’s otherwise been abysmal…. He ruffles your keepers head as you leave and tells him… Ha you won’t forget that one in a hurry…. You meet him in a boozer five nights later and he makes you lose the will to live jabbering on about it
“he takes a first touch that’s heavier than a black hole” – you my friend need to get a script writing role for Jim Beglin! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKw3EO3xpQc (1.22, in the best video ever produced by RTE)
The sweaty guy. Starts pumpin after 5 mins. Or the football cogs guy. Catches ure ankle with a stud and just says ‘oh sorry, you alrite ?’ As he jogs on.
The Heather Mills. Can only pass/shoot with one foot which makes him as easy to read, can also be called the Roald Dahl.