WE MIGHT HAVE a new European cup but don’t worry, all the old clichés still apply. In fact, we will now be watching games on both BT and Sky Sports so the amount of generic nonsense spouted about each team is set to double.
To help you adjust to the new landscape, we’ve compiled a handy guide to every pool based on what clichés broadcasters are likely to use when describing the sides.
Pool One
Clermont – These guys are ‘perennial underachievers’ who play rugby like a ‘Rolls Royce with a Ferrari engine’. There will be plenty of mentions of the ‘fortress’ Stade Marcel Michelin.
Munster – They love playing with ‘a chip on their shoulder’ but have they ‘gone to the well’ one too many times? Also, Thomond Park is a ‘bear pit/fortress/cauldron’.
Sale – Sale are the ‘whipping boys’ of this pool but a ‘moment of magic’ from the ‘mercurial’ Danny Cipriani could get them a win.
Saracens – The spirit of the ‘Wolfpack’ has been even greater this season and their ‘juggernaut’ of a pack will be difficult to stop.
Pool Two
Leicester – Leicester is an ‘old school’ club who do things ‘the Leicester way’, which seems to be a synonym for incidents like this.
Toulon – They are ‘mercenaries’, the ‘nouveau riche’ and any good rugby they play needs to be immediately followed by a reference to ‘the beautiful weather in the south of France’.
Ulster – Ulster are ‘dark horses’ for many and they will be ‘roared’ on by a ‘passionate and vocal’ fan base in the ‘coliseum’ at Ravenhill.
Scarlets – They play ‘an exciting brand of attacking rugby’ but will ultimately be found out because of their ‘lack of defensive intensity’.
Pool Three
Castres – ‘Which Castres team will show up?’ is the first thing you will hear, followed closely by, ‘Will Castres care about European rugby this year?’”
Harlequins – Conor O’Shea’s men specialise in playing ‘heads-up rugby’ but players like Danny Care might be a ‘bit too headstrong’ when it comes to ‘the business end’ of the competition.
Leinster – What a cliché turnaround from the years where Leinster had ‘electric backs but a lightweight pack’. Now, their forward pack have a few ‘bruising ball carriers’ although the absence of Healy and O’Brien will put an increased focus on the backline who ‘might be missing the spark’ of previous seasons.
Wasps – Every time they go forward in contact it will be because they want to ‘give their fans something to cheer about’ after ‘Coventrygate’.
Pool Four
Bath – The cliché you hear will depend on where the person is from – Bath are ‘greedy/financially prudent and are run by their money grabbing/visionary owner Bruce Craig’.
Glasgow – Like Scarlets, they play ‘an exciting brand of attacking rugby’ but Europe may be ‘a bridge too far’ for the Scottish side. Also, many people are tipping them as their ‘dark horses’.
Montpellier – Like Castres, it is hard to know how ‘seriously Fabien Galthie’s men will take the tournament’. With players like Rene Ranger, they have the ‘power and pace’ to trouble opposition backlines, if they ‘turn up’.
Toulouse - They are the ‘aristocrats’ of European rugby who are currently going through a ‘tough start’ to the season, which may even be a ‘transitional period’. Some might even say that Guy Noves has ‘lost the dressing room’ and that he is a ‘beaten docket/busted flush’. Either that or he is ‘The Godfather’ of European rugby.
Pool Five
Northampton - They have a ‘ferocious forward pack’ led by Courtney Lawes, ‘a player who still hasn’t scratched the surface of his considerable potential’.
Treviso - These are not only the ‘whipping boys’ of the pool but of the entire tournament. They will be ‘tough to beat at home’ but at the end of the day they are just here to ‘make up the numbers’.
Ospreys – Traditionally, the Ospreys have been ‘fancy dans’ who have been ‘all style and no substance’, but they have a more ‘hard-nosed’ attitude this season as evidenced by their Pro12 wins over the Dragons, Treviso and Zebre.
Racing Metro – Like all Parisians, Racing Metro are ‘almost mercurial to a fault’. They are also known as ‘mercenaries’, but haven’t yet been able to ‘fit all the pieces together’ in order to get a ‘cohesive unit’.
