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The Arsenal defence didn't have the best of weekends. Peter Byrne/PA Wire/Press Association Images
bad gameweek

Diary of a Fantasy Gaffer: Lies, damned lies and Arsenal defensive statistics

We were one of those poor, unfortunate teams with a Gunners-heavy defence at the weekend.

FILL YOUR DEFENCE with Arsenal defenders, I was told. What could go wrong?

After all, Mertesacker and Koscielny hadn’t lost a full game they played together in two years.

That is, until last Saturday — when they were torn apart 5-1 by Liverpool and looked a far cry from the legendary likes Tony Adams and Martin Keown.

So could it be that their defence was actually rubbish all this time?

Did they just look good playing against inferior sides who tended to play a 10-0-0 formation, rarely showing the bravery to venture into the Gunners’ half and thus making their defence look much better than they actually are?

They certainly aren’t doing anything to play down their reputation as flat-track bullies — of the 26 goals they’ve conceded in the league this season, close to half (11) have come in two games against Liverpool and Man City.

So despite Adebayor scoring, despite Suarez playing well, despite Charlie Adam being the best player on he field in the Stoke game, I still managed to score below average this week.

And I blame my troubles largely on the two Gunners players in the team — Bacary Sagna and Laurent Koscielny — who registered an ignominious overall tally of 0 points, prompting more than a few howls of despair from this canine.

So will this horrific showing cause me to banish them from my side? Of course not, Arsenal have United at home on Wednesday.

Instead, I wanted replace Oscar, who hasn’t looked especially effective of late, and bring in Steven Gerrard, who will always play and also still scores the odd penalty (granted, he’s no spring chicken anymore).

Unfortunately though, I had exceeded the number of Liverpool players allowed in the team. I can only assume I was drunk wen I picked Danny Ward as my sub keeper, because there’s obviously no logical reason to do so.

Therefore, my Gerrard dream will have to wait another week, as Ward is replaced by the equally useless but, more importantly, cheap Southampton sub keeper — Paulo Gazziniga.

But assuming Arsenal don’t let me down again and United continue to disappoint, I should be okay for this week, right? In this most unpredictable of seasons, it’s the closest thing to a certainty you could hope for.

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Godfrey the Gaffer
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