SKY SPORTS NEWS’ yellow ticker is working overtime, agent extraordinaire Barry Silkman has his phone charged up and Arsene Wenger is sticking his fingers in his ears going “lalalalala I can’t HEAR you!!!”
Yes, football’s winter sales are well and truly upon us.
But how does the modern-day transfer grow from a newsroom whisper to a screaming backpage headline? We investigate.
1. It starts on a Monday afternoon, nothing much happening. Red Top Reporter is jittery with caffeine, spinning in his swivel chair, blue biro chomped down to the bit, seeking inspiration from somewhere. Anywhere. An idea hits him.
2. He takes the names of five, high-profile Premier League players and writes them down on a sheet of paper. Once that’s done, he picks out five teams with money to spend. These teams will invariably comprise Manchester United, AC Milan, Liverpool, Real Madrid and QPR.
3. It’s lucky dip time. The names and the clubs go into two separate woolly hats. Red Top Reporter picks out one name, David Silva, and one club, Manchester United, thinks to himself “…this is just the right side of crazy…” and a transfer saga is born.
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4. ‘Exclusive!’ brags the next morning’s newspaper. ‘United to swoop for Silva!’ A fee of £30million is plucked from the air as Red Top Reporter goes wild with anticipation over a deal that doesn’t exist. But he has quotes.
5. Ah yes, quotes. Tricky things. Without them, his story has no legs. With his pal Unnamed Source, however, he’ll be all over that Sky Sports yellow ticker before you can say ‘lies, damn lies and statistics!’ Unnamed Source happens to be his best mate Fred, whose geographical proximity to the Etihad Stadium – he lives in a semi-detached townhouse near the ground with his mother and two cats – means that he is, technically, a source close to the player. “David loves Manchester but is frustrated with the team’s inconsistent form. A move across the city to play with Robin van Persie would be a dream come true,” says Fred.
6. This is a nervous time for Red Top Reporter, who knows that his story will either be branded farcical and sink without trace, or will draw actual quotes from actual people associated with the actual clubs in question. Roberto Mancini can’t help himself.
7. “Silva? Silva stays with us, we will never sell this player to United,” the City patriarch tells Sky before skipping off for a wash, cut and blow dry, leaving David Platt to answer any follow-up questions.
8. At United, Sir Alex takes a break from och-ayeing over the skills of Anderson to take in the quotes from Mancini. He had, of course, no intention of signing Silva but Mancini’s comments are like a red rag to a Scotsman.
9. Ferguson demands an audience, telling the cameras that he “has no interest in signing Silva, Kagawa is settling in nicely…” and that he’s happy with the squad he’s got, even if that squad still includes Nani.
10. Silva himself slaps in a transfer request, then withdraws it, then slaps it in again. Then withdraws it. Then tells his agent to see what United are offering. Then gets dizzy and falls over.
11. Malcolm Glazer, initially sceptical about spending so much money on one player, sells one of his sons to Roman Abramovich for £74m plus a yacht, make that two yachts, and tells Fergie to go right on ahead and sign up the Spaniard.
12. United make a formal offer of £20m plus Ashley Young. Mancini laughs dismissively. United up their offer to £22m plus Wayne Rooney. Mancini considers it, then laughs heartily.
13. Silva uses the word ‘flattered’ 17 times in the same sentence.
14. Mancini finally realises he’s about to lose Silva, so he rings Sky Sports News to tell Bryan Swanson how he’s never been more convinced of a player’s loyalty to the club.
15. Manchester United make ‘absolutely their final offer of £31m’ and, when that’s turned down, they add another £5m for good measure.
16. Silva is seen being driven into Old Trafford in a blacked out Mercedes. With the window down.
17. A full 27 years after the initial story was broken, he signs a seven-year deal with United. Meanwhile, our good friend Red Top Reporter gets out his pair of lucky woolly hats and completes the circle of life.
Great to see Hugh doing so well. He was a key component in Belvo winning the cup for the last 2 years.
On the wider point of GAA / Rugby crossover and any perceived hostility, I don’t see any contradictions. Both sports have similar skills re ball handling and decision making and both are full contact sports. For as long back as I can recall there has always been a crossover of guys playing both codes. From Michael Hickey in the 1970s right up to present day with David Hawkshaw, Belvos current outhalf playing minor football for Dublin, to name but 2 and there have been more. Long may it continue
@Tom O’Gorman: there is a huge battle at younger ages between GAA and rugby for athletes.. training being scheduled to clash forcing players to pick etc.
@Lf: very true LF and not likely to end any time soon. As a supporter of both codes I probably get less exercised about it than others who see talent migrating from their sport to “the dark side ” as they might perceive it. Even within the GAA code there’s a battle between hurling and football for the best available talent. As standards rise it’s becoming impossible for guys to meet the demands of playing rugby and GAA. It’s a pity that lads are forced to make these choices at a younger and younger age nowadays.
@Tom O’Gorman: I agree that having played both sports, their is a lot of crossover between them. As you say, it helps with spatial awareness and hand-eye coordination.
However, at an elite level, and particularly in the forwards, the physical demands of each sport are like chalk and cheese by the time a player is 18 years old.
Backs can enjoy the best of both worlds up until minor level but elite rugby players are conditioned in completely different ways to GAA players by the time their 18.
@Alistair Fyffe: really? There’s hostility from a lot of people with GAA roots towards rugby, but there’s very little in the other direction. The “charm offensive” has been around for a lot longer than the RWC bid, and there are a lot of players in Irish rugby with roots in GAA. It’s not an offensive.
@Conor Paddington: Conor, that is very simply not true. There is hostility within rugby circles towards all sports and pressure to only play it. That also applies to soccer and gaa within certain clubs( the most successful ones because they can). To say it’s only in one direction is naive.
@Conor Paddington: I have to disagree here Conor. I remember playing rugby in UCC and one fella put on a Cork GAA jersey after training and he got a pile of abuse – you know the kind that pretends to be all in good fun but reveals some actual resentment. There are always people on here moaning that our rugby team would be much better if it wasn’t for the GAA taking away all these potential athletes. The hostility is definitely a two-way street.
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big talent at 9 for Leinster..
Great to see Hugh doing so well. He was a key component in Belvo winning the cup for the last 2 years.
On the wider point of GAA / Rugby crossover and any perceived hostility, I don’t see any contradictions. Both sports have similar skills re ball handling and decision making and both are full contact sports. For as long back as I can recall there has always been a crossover of guys playing both codes. From Michael Hickey in the 1970s right up to present day with David Hawkshaw, Belvos current outhalf playing minor football for Dublin, to name but 2 and there have been more. Long may it continue
@Tom O’Gorman: there is a huge battle at younger ages between GAA and rugby for athletes.. training being scheduled to clash forcing players to pick etc.
@Lf: very true LF and not likely to end any time soon. As a supporter of both codes I probably get less exercised about it than others who see talent migrating from their sport to “the dark side ” as they might perceive it. Even within the GAA code there’s a battle between hurling and football for the best available talent. As standards rise it’s becoming impossible for guys to meet the demands of playing rugby and GAA. It’s a pity that lads are forced to make these choices at a younger and younger age nowadays.
@Tom O’Gorman: I agree that having played both sports, their is a lot of crossover between them. As you say, it helps with spatial awareness and hand-eye coordination.
However, at an elite level, and particularly in the forwards, the physical demands of each sport are like chalk and cheese by the time a player is 18 years old.
Backs can enjoy the best of both worlds up until minor level but elite rugby players are conditioned in completely different ways to GAA players by the time their 18.
I’m surprised the GAA charm offensive is still carrying on now that the RWC bid is dead.
@Alistair Fyffe: really? There’s hostility from a lot of people with GAA roots towards rugby, but there’s very little in the other direction. The “charm offensive” has been around for a lot longer than the RWC bid, and there are a lot of players in Irish rugby with roots in GAA. It’s not an offensive.
@Conor Paddington: Conor, that is very simply not true. There is hostility within rugby circles towards all sports and pressure to only play it. That also applies to soccer and gaa within certain clubs( the most successful ones because they can). To say it’s only in one direction is naive.
@Conor Paddington: I have to disagree here Conor. I remember playing rugby in UCC and one fella put on a Cork GAA jersey after training and he got a pile of abuse – you know the kind that pretends to be all in good fun but reveals some actual resentment. There are always people on here moaning that our rugby team would be much better if it wasn’t for the GAA taking away all these potential athletes. The hostility is definitely a two-way street.